Loving some one is considering him or her of value.
Any thing that we consider of value, we spend time with it.
Any thing that we spend time with, we start to know it more.
The more we know it more, the more we begin to accept it.
If you say I love my children, only ask how much time I do spend with them.
Do not let it drop to less than full 5 hours of quality time with your kids and that is for working fathers and mothers.
Others can spend more…..but do not forget to ignore the balance, coz balance is another act of love !
Loving some one is considering him or her of value.
Being able to truly love ourselves involves delaying gratification.
This can be best explained by the experiment conducted with children aged 4 to 6 at Stanford University in 1972. They were offered marshmallows on a condition. Those children who would eat it right now, would get only one. Those who would chose to eat 30 minutes later would get two. Those who would choose to eat after an hour would get three.
Majority of the children chose to eat now. A little less opted for half an hour wait and further less number of children opted to wait for a full hour.
Years later studying the careers of the children, was discovered that those who were able to delay or defer the gratification had achieved a significantly higher level of success in their career.
Delaying gratification would thus mean postponing instant relief and joy for a much higher cause.
Our kids need our vigilance, much more on what they are getting to observe and learn than what they are getting to eat !
Delaying gratification means to delay the pleasure for a higher reward or a higher destiny we believe in. For that we have to have a higher cause; a direction or a destiny which we want to achieve.
It is a fact that people with aimless lives are not able to exercise delaying gratifications and they can fall for any thing that brings instant joy to their five senses. We face countless situations in our daily life, where we have to delay our gratification. There always exists a deferred achievement and an instant gratification for every emotion we feel.
The gratification for anger for example is to take it out, immediately, instantly, with all the frustration on the person whom you think is responsible. Yet there is a higher achievement reward if we chose to delay our bursting out. It is a high mutual trust, respect and strengthened bond between us and the person involved. The gratification for a news paper reading is that no one disturbs us but if our 4 year old kid comes to us with a drawing book, we have to delay our gratification and attend to the child. For a higher reward of bond, love and value
We were having a hard debate. The debate had turned into an argument. The argument had turned into labelling each other from “you did wrong” to” you are always wrong.”
Suddenly I remembered some thing. I thought: “This point can make her shut. It can make her answerless.” So I just shut off myself. And went to the next room. She followed me there in her frenzy.
She found me sitting on bed and she just stood there demanding an answer. I stood up. Kissed her forehead and walked out of the house.
That evening some guests were invited and I came back home with groceries and stuff and she was busy in cooking. So we had to work together. The issue dissolved.
Some weeks later, on a drive in a pleasant mood. She put her hand on my hand on the shift and asked: ” What did you do that evening? But I kinda liked that.” I told her that I had a valid point that could shut her off completely.
“What ? Why then you did not say that. You could have won the argument,” she uttered.
Yes I could have won the argument but would have lost my wife for that evening.
I got the most memorable kiss from my wife on the drive!
I learned that some things are worth knowing. They are worth every effort to go beyond our comfort zones and to know them and to do some of them.
It is worth doing to stop a car by a small, seemingly empty mosque by the side of a highway. The silence is worth it and reciting a few lines from Quran while sitting there is beyond any feeling you can feel.
It is worth knowing to forget your busy routines and meet your old friends and laugh silly all night. I did it and I now know it was worth it.
It is worth attempting to be silent for half an hour every day. Just sitting silent. Doing perfectly nothing !
It is worth knowing that to love is to grow spiritually, yourself and those whom you say you love.
Follow your heart at what you do to earn. At least for once in your life span of 60 to 70 years do that. It is worth it.
Speak to your God or whoever you believe in. Speak to Him when you have no one to speak to and speak to Him when you have every one to speak to.
Tell your love some day that today you are there for her and she can do whatever she can with your time.
Spend some time to realize and tell yourself how small we all are to judge some one.
Walk bare foot all day.
Try to not use any chemical for a day. Soaps, cosmetics, shampoos, conditioners, toothpastes, processed foods. ( Try using a “maswak” replacing toothpaste).
For a single day try to not speak unless necessary and very important.
For a week, try not to ask any one any favours for you, whether it be asking some one to hand over a cup from the kitchen or to drop you some where along where he is going.
Enroll in learning Arabic. It is worth it.
Pick your kids early from their school and go to a picnic.
Take your friend for a hiking.
Some times pick a pen and write what you feel.
Kiss your wife without an intent of going further. Just kiss.
Travel to a place you have never been, travel with the same intent of going there because you have never been there.
If you think you know yourself, think again and try speaking to a friend when very hungry.
Walk to a friend’s home even if takes half an hour, just do it some day.
Try to not stay indoors an hour before sun set.
And some times …..
Look at the sky !
I have experienced and observed tremendous volumes of energy going to waste. This energy is expensed by parents, teachers, guides, coaches, tutors, mentors, instructors and seniors in trying to teach and train some one. This energy is expensed when we think that having told some thing to some one automatically makes him or her learn it.
We only learn by doing some thing ! Make them do it and make them think to do it. They would learn and perhaps never forget.
We all use check lists. We use them to manage things and tasks efficiently. And we have often used check lists for seeing to if things are ready for an event or a picnic or a travel or a seminar.
There are some more check lists that we use without a note pad or a pen. We use them on a very subliminal level but they control our mental patterns to limits beyond imagination. Some times our whole set of emotions is being controlled by these.
These are check lists for happiness or being happy. We often have made a quite long usually a 10 to 15 items on a check list for being happy.
- The weather has to be fine. If its England, it has to be bright and sunny. If its the tropical regions, it has to be cloudy and windy.
- We have to be with the person we want to be with.
- We have to have our favourite food.
- We do not want anything to happen other than planned.
- We have to see if our looks are really as great as we wanted them to be this morning.
- We have to have the right drinks along with.
- If its’ a dinner or a family outing we have to make sure that it has to be better than the last time, as we immediately start to compare our present activity to that some times in the past.
- We do want our kids to act like what they are not yet: mature!
- If its an event, we can only be happy if we are some how assured that no one else dressed like us.
- Or on a long term scale we wait to achieve some thing big to be happy. Our response to it is : “Till that is not yet done, I can’t be happy.”
The following article shall change your view about your relationship with your children: towards positive and for ever ! Please enjoy and subscribe to the email list for further such articles:
Do we really love our children? We think we do. Have you seen any such example around you :
a. We find parents literally piling up toys for their children, evey toys that are not prescribed for their age and and this act in quite some ways is harmful for their mental thinking patterns and behaviours.
b. We all have seen mothers almost pushing food in the mouths of their already over-weighing children.
c. I once met a family whose 27 year old son was embarrassed in front of his friends, when his mother would make sure to pick and drop him from his university.
d. We find parents giving mobile phones to their under 5 year old kids?
e. I know of a single mother who would make sure to always bring some stuff for her children on her way back home. Once her 8 year old daughter said to her: ” Mom! you don’t have to bring chocolates every day. Just take one more day off from your work.” She herself confessed to me that she was feeling guilty for not being there all the time for her kids. Her act of giving and bringing home things and chocolates was supported by guilt, rather than by love.
Is this love?
It had been a long break. A quite long break for a writer. I did not write for full thirty eight days. I wrote nothing.
Though at times I wanted to write but I realized that I would not be able to complete that work. Some times during this period, I did not want to say any thing. I decided to be silent. I had been so busy in doing things that I “am” !
During this all time, I had been continuously contemplating on myself.
I decided and learned and acted on the most important things of my life.
I had been busy doing not what I had always wanted to do but what had been my ID. Now what was that perhaps may not be that much important for you. It could be cloth weaving, It could be gardening and raising flowers.
The point is: what does a pianist do? Play the piano. What does an aviator do? Fly the plane. What does a traveller do? Travel. What does a teacher do? Teach. What does a poet do? Writes poetry.
We all have different roles in our lives. We are fathers and mothers, spouses and siblings, teachers and students, employers and employees, social service doers and some cause supporters. And each one of our roles demands an “identity”.
What kind of a son or a daughter we would be? Caring, loving or some thing more that you want to be? What kind of a spouse? Loving, trustworthy, loyal? What kind of a banker would you be? Professional or client oriented? What kind of a coach would you like your players to remember you as? Superb, hardworking, talent nurturing ?
These are all adjectives which give us our unique ID for that role. A superb parent, a loving spouse, a trustworthy friend, a thorough researcher, a goal accomplisher, a truth seeker, a peace keeper, a respect giver etc.
An ID is an answer to the question. What if you were on a national TV and you were given 10 minutes to think and one minute to speak in a reply to the question: “Who are you?”
Our IDs are our recognition for our own selves in our own eyes first and in the eyes of the world later.
The bad news is that most of the times we choose our IDs unconsciously and some times rather stupidly.
The good news is we can always choose the right IDs directing us to what we want to be or become.
So do the following. This simple exercise would change your view and perhaps your life in future:
1. Take a pen and a paper and in the first column write all your roles that you are in your life, e.g a husband, son, spouse, parent, professional, surgeon, lawyer, coach, etc
2. In front of that role, use one or two adjectives as your IDs expressing what kind and quality of that role you are going to be.
3. Decide to retain those IDs and rather improve them.
4. If you already have some IDs and you are feeling stupid and unhappy in your life, it is because your actions are not matching your ID.
5. In this case do one thing. Either change your ID to match your actions or change your actions to match your ID.
Our actions matching our IDs: that is the key to genuine happiness and joy in our lives.